Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
