If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
