i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
