We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
