so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
