Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
