a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
