Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
