first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
