Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
