Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
