Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I smell stomach acid.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
