I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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