I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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