I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
