apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
