Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
