The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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