question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
