Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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