im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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