You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
