She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
someone owes me an orgasm
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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