I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
