I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
