So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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