there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize