I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He felt like a one man threesome
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
