I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
