Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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