At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
