JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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