Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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