My room smells like vodka and shame
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
