i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
