Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
