you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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