I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize