1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Will you blow on my dice?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
