checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
