she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
