Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
