Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
