I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
