If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize