apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
