Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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