after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
