im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
