I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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