She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
