I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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