i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
