God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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