I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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