Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
