im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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