One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize