If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
