I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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