Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
