Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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